#if this pain will always be here | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

imjustfallinlove · 8 months ago

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we live on a mountain

right at the top

there’s a beautiful view

from the top of the mountain

every morning i walk

towards the edge

and throw little things off

like car parts and bottles and cutlery

whatever i find

lying around

it’s become a habit

a way to start the day

i go through all this

before you wake up

so i can feel happier

to be safe up here with you

i go through all this

before you wake up

so i can feel happier

to be safe up here with you

it’s early morning

no one is awake

i’m back at my cliff

throwing things off

i listen to the sounds they make

on their way down

i follow with my eyes

until they crash

i imagine what my body would sound like

slamming

against those rocks

and when it lands

will my eyes

be closed or open?

i go through all this

before you wake up

so i can feel happier

to be safe up here with you

i go through all this

before you wake up

so i can feel happier

to be safe up here with you

#to me this song has always been #about that part of yourself that is incapable of being happy #basically about depression #and how for me anyway #growing up as a girl #i always hoped that i’d meet someone who’d love me and that would just #fix everything #and the cruel realization that #depression does not work like that #improving your life can fix some problems but #if you have this sadness #sometimes it will still surface #even when everything is going ok and you’re otherwise happy with your situation or life #some days you will find yourself unwittingly standing at the edge of that cliff #peering down into that dark void #and wondering to yourself #if this pain will always be here #and if it will #then what’s the point continuing on #and doing what you have to do to remind yourself that things are good #and that these feelings are just feelings #and they will pass #realizing this while you’re peering over that edge is barely a comfort in the moment #but all it takes is a whisper of hope #to slowly draw you away from that edge #and bring you back into yourself and who you are and how you truly feel most of the time #idk i know a lot of people probably find these lyrics sad and disturbing #but as someone who’s lived with this depression my entire life #it feels hopeful #i feel like i can return from the cliff and be ‘safe again’

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ctrlzxoo · 1 month ago

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what if Ivan took the tape off of Till during Top 3?

(aka. the ANAKT kids learned what kisses meant to humans)

#ivantill #ivan #till #alien stage #alnst #my art #you know how ivan always gently takes off tills collar when hes sleeping #well till is awake here. but ivan cant remove the tape gently even if he wanted to #so ivan has no choice but to cause some pain. but he would rather do that than not to do anything for till #till’s thoughts were based on an interpretation that till can’t see he is cared for unless he can see it #i don’t know if its accurate but i need r7 to look into his brain and give closure #ivantill are truly misunderstanding upon misunderstanding and missed chances made by ivan and till themselves #if first kisses are special then ivantill’s first kiss (cure) was special in a way ig #doomed yaoi fr. yahooey #the 70% affection is my lifeline atp #alnst fanart #alien stage fanart

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 3 months ago

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Lan Wangji goes to Lotus Pier (No relation to the AU of the same name)

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #better drawn mdzs #mdzs #lan wangji #wei wuxian #Another split type comic because I decided to be ambitious.#This flashback is currently beating my ass. There are so many timeskips within the flashback! My flow and pacing are wheezing!#I loved how this scene starts with the crowd's point of view. The observations and gossip add a lot.#And it helps reposition us to what the external perspective is on these two. Namely that 'they don't get along.'#Tensions are known! Even here in Nouveau Lotus Pier.#Ah...Lan Wangji never got a chance to see the Lotus Pier of Wei Wuxian's childhood and adolescence...did he?#It's not the same. He's not the same. Call them by the same name and people will know what you mean...#...but the first version - the one with the fond memories - is gone for good.#It's sort of interesting isn't it? How names can hold so much power and still be hollow?#We often get stuck over past versions of things. Be it ourselves or other people or places.#Change is scary but the truth is nothing ever stays the same. It's always moving. You're always moving.#It's okay to mourn the past. Maybe it's people you lost or the person you hoped to be. Let yourself feel the grief.#And then? Then you grow around that pain and keep on going. If you feel like you can't - remember you don't have to do it alone.#A side note: Listening to the tossing flowers extra is so essential for this scene. It's cute and gives us more of [redacted]#What's [redacted]? You'll see in the next comic!

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gay-impressionist · 1 year ago

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france is burning.

667 people were arrested last night. they are curfews in place. public transport is partially closed at night.

nahel, a 17-year-old, was shot tuesday by the police during a traffic stop. he wasn't violent or armed, he wasn't a threat. but he broke the law and tried to drive away, so the cops killed him.

and now france is rioting.

there is a video so the government isn't trying to deny the facts for once. but the minister of the interior (in charge of the police) still insist that the police shot less people since the 2017 law on public safety.

but an analysis of police statistics by Le Monde, the most read newspaper in france, says otherwise. when the police shot on average 250 people each year in the five years prior to 2017, that number became 297 after 2017. for shots fired specifically on moving vehicles, the average used to be 119 and it's now 150. before 2017, there was an average of 0.06 deaths per shot. now it's 0.32.

more than ever, the police shoots to kill.

so france is burning.

#i wanted to write something small because there's nothing on tumblr #but it became longer and longer #i didn't add pictures bc it always seems voyeuristic to me. this isn't click bait. i'm not here to exploit the pain and the anger in any way #but a kid died and hundreds people are being arrested and tumblr doesn't say a word #upthebaguette #whatthefrance #acab #tw death #tw police brutality #france things

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arcanegifs · 5 months ago

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Arcane Gif Requests: anon + Caitvi Scenes: 27/? ↳ "We need you back on your feet. What was the name Sevika gave you? Jinx?"

#arcane #arcaneedit #caitvi #piltover’s finest #vi #vi arcane #arcane vi #caitlyn kiramman #caitlyn #caitlyn x vi #vi x caitlyn #arcane league of legends #league of legends arcane #league of legends #media: arcane #type: gif #s1 ep6 #here u go anon this took too long bc photoshop crashed and i had to start all over agane.... pain #remember to save your wips girlies #also this scene is always so hard to do because its so dark and hard to colorgrade lmao #OH and i love how mad she is at cait for being ignorant but vi is still sorta protective of her regardless lmao #better not see caitlyn hate here ppl >:( you all know what happened before this where she gave up her fuckin gun for vi #and hugged poor huck without hesitation #and also argued with her mom after seeing how bad they treat the zaunites :((((#caits trying her best

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rainblescake · 5 months ago

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creation meets creator in the most terrifying way possible (you wont believe what happens next)

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royalarchivist · 10 months ago

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Tubbo: I swear to God, Chat - I promise you, if it's the last thing I do, I am going to break up Fit and Pac.

Mike passed the crown of #1 Hideduo hater to Tubbo, and Tubbo took that title very seriously.

[ Full Subtitle Transcript ↓ ]

-

Pac: I have a date with Fit tomorrow! You know the news, Tubbo?

[ Tubbo's Homophobic Arc ]

Pac: I got a date with Fit tomorrow!

Tubbo: You're - no... You're kidding..

Pac: Yeah, for real! Look - Mike shaved my hair you know, and gave me a new outfit so I can be like, sharp for tomorrow. ...You guys like it? You like it, Sunny?

[Judgemental silence]

Tubbo: That's so cool man, what he hell. That's fckin' sick.

Pac: Yeah, thank you! I knew it, I knew you'd- Oh, thank you, Sunny! I knew you guys were gonna love it, you know? I knew it.

-

Tubbo: I swear to God- I swear to God- We need to add homophobia to the QSMP, I swear to God- I swear to God-

-

Tubbo: Guys, I have to do everything in my power to break them up. What do you mean "no"?! This is awful, Sunny! This is awful!

Sunny: But why Pa?

Tubbo: THEY WERE NEVER MEANT TO GET TOGETHER! The stars told me so! They were never meant to actually get together!

Sunny: WHY PA

Tubbo: It's just wrong, Sunny! It's just wrong! I dunno how to explain it to you. It's just wrong!

Sunny: But it's loveeeee

Tubbo: ...If that's what you want to call it.

-

Tubbo: HOW IS THERE GONNA BE ENOUGH SPACE BETWEEN THEM FOR ME NOW, SUNNY?!

Sunny: You're telling me you've never been in love Pa?

Tubbo: Listen, it's just not right.

Sunny: But I like bodyguard Fit and driver Pac :(

Tubbo: I like them too! They're my best friends! But they can't be together.

Sunny: I think you are projecting

Tubbo: PROJECTING WHAT? HUH!?

Sunny: I will find you someone, Pa.

Tubbo: I DON'T WANT SOMEONE! I DON'T WANT SOMEONE IT ONLY SERVES TO DISAPPOINT ME AND GET MY HOPES UP AND LEAVE ME- LEAVE ME NOTHING BUT A SHELL! A SHELL OF A MAN!

-

Tubbo: Sunny - They're gonna hurt each other, Sunny- they're gonna hurt each other! And how will there be enough space between them for me now?

Sunny: Why would they do that if they care for each other?

Tubbo: People that care about each other, Sunny, hurt each other all the time! ALL THE TIME!

Sunny: But I care about you, and I don't hurt you.

Tubbo: No, that's different! That's different! The love that we have for each other is unconditional. Ok?

Sunny: Pa, I think you're just scared.

Tubbo: I'm not scared, I'm logical. All flags look red when you're wearing rose-tinted glasses.

-

Tubbo: [In response to Sunny talking about Aypierre's agreement to build her a statue] You already have a statue! [Sunny hits him] Ow!

Tubbo: What about the one Fit and Ramon made you for your birthday? [Tubbo has an idea] See? Do you think Fit would have time to do stuff like that if he's too- if he's too preoccupied with his little shag buddy? I don't think so! I don't think so!

Sunny: Wait.

Tubbo: See? You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying!

Sunny: You have a good point now

Tubbo: See? You under- yes, exactly! We HAVE to break them up! They can still be friends! Fck it, friends with benefits! But they cannot be together. We cannot let them.

Sunny: OK I'M IN

Tubbo: [Claps] I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU! I knew I could count on you!

-

[Looking at fanart of Pac, Fit, and himself]

Tubbo: We- we have to split them up. We have to fckin' split them up. Oh, but I'm in this one! Oh, that's so-[Realizes it's him crying as a third-wheel] SEE?! SEE?! THEY KNEW! THEY KNEW! THEY FCKIN' KNEW! THEY FCKIN' KNEW!

-

Tubbo: [In a thick "red-blooded American" accent] Wha- I just don't understand why they have 'ta keep shoving it down our throats! Goddamnit! I JUST WISH IT WASN'T MY SMP! [He hits his desk and laughs]

-

Dono: Streamer becomes homophobic 'cause he can't get any

Tubbo:

Tubbo: Sunny, I'm just gonna need to brb for a moment.

Tubbo: [Stands up from his desk, walks away, and screams]

-

Tubbo: I swear to God, Chat - I promise you - if it's the last thing I do, I am going to break up Fit and Pac.

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unowneyenon · 2 months ago

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I saw a post on here back a little while ago claiming that Stanford built the shack in Bill’s image when they knew each other (or something like that!) and that’s why there are so many triangle & pyramid motifs built into the shack. I think that idea’s really interesting, but there’s one problem; it’s impossible based on the journal three timeline.

according to this timeline in journal three, ford came to gravity falls in 1975, a good 6 years before he first met bill. so, using his grant money, he built the shack and all of the triangle and pyramid things inside…for some reason. why?????

ok so hear me out if it’s IMPOSSIBLE for ford to have known bill when the shack was built, maybe ford somehow knew him in a…subconscious way?? the image above is from TBOB, and it seems like from a young age ford was already interested in yellow floating triangles; and while this could totally just be foreshadowing, what if it implies some kind of …fate-related thing? something something ford was just MEANT to meet bill by some predetermined twisted fate created by the universe & that fate of them meeting was also subconsciously the thing that made ford research all that is strange & weird, thus making him end up in gravity falls???? i’m not sure how to put this into words! but just based on the shack triangle stuff and the photo, there’s just something there that screams that bill was and always has been subconsciously in ford’s thoughts and they were always meant to meet in this universe for better or for worse (it’s for worse)???????

edit: hey it’s five am and it has now come to my attention that he could have probably just remodeled/somehow made his own stained glass windows & such, BUUUT it’s still a personal theory that there is some kind of fate thing going on with ford and bill, & REALLY holding onto that theory with how ford was mesmerized by that kind of stuff at straight up infancy….hmmm time for bed for me

#should i tag this as billford??? it FEELS like it #there’s something about this fate theory that just makes them all the more doomed #it was always meant to end it tragedy between them there is no happiness here #it was never meant to end in anything other than pain and sorrow #makes you wonder why this is the path it had to go down #the universe is CRUEL with this one #billford #gravity falls #stanford pines #ford pines #bill cipher #book of bill #the book of bill

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heph · 4 months ago

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Call me crazy for reading so much into a show like House MD but I think the main theme of House is that despite doing everything perfectly and being a good person, shit happens.

Sickness and pain will be inflicted on you and your loved ones and there's nothing you can do about it, but to persevere, to fight for your life, to keep living despite it all - to love is a part of the human condition; our capability of love is what makes life worth living, despite all the pain that you will inevitably experience.

This show exemplifies the pain of living and the needs and desires of human beings to keep going despite it all

And idk... There's something beautiful about how a show with so many stupid whimsical dumb scenes can impart something so profound in my stupid little brain

#im crying btw #ugly crying thinking about how much i love this show #shit happens and its normal and itll be okay #heph is being sappy again #this show giving house 1000 bad omens and giving him happiness only to rip it away and im just sitting here #house md #malpractice md #hatecrimes md #it is of course not the only theme of this show #but its the main one #theres also everybody lies #and theres also YOU CANT! ALWAYS GET! WHAT YOU WA AAAANT #anyways the yaoi is great but i love the interpersonal relationships between the doctors in my doctor drama show the most #its easy to obsess over hilson but like #its not just about hilson for me #heph.txt #btw im still on s4e13 #im scared of the season finale everyone keeps telling me to brace myself #also even from the start this show is very much about pain (house and his physical pain and also his emotional scarring #and every season and episode we watch him cope with his pains with drugs and destroy himself and it hurts so much :[#houseypie

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casualavocados · 3 months ago

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I asked myself why I failed to notice. It was the first time we'd been apart that long. I found the birthday gifts you prepared for me in my room, from my 18th to my 21st. ...Shut up. I started to think about what you were doing back then. Were you celebrating my birthday all by yourself?

KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 12

#kiseki: dear to me #kisekiedit #kdtm #kiseki dear to me #chen yi x ai di #ai di x chen yi #nat chen #chen bowen #louis chiang #chiang tien #jiang dian #userspring #userrain #uservid #userspicy #userjjessi #pdribs #*cajedit #*gif #do you ever cry about the chen yi that woke up to find ai di gone.#do you ever think about the chen yi that felt ai di's tears on his face and reached up to hold him closer. to comfort him.#who saw & chose in a moment the true ai di that had always been by his side then lost him in the next. & woke up to learn it was his fault #cuz i think about the chen yi during ai di's prison time a lot. i think about him going over so many of his memories #reevaluating ai di's anger and teasing and realizing it was all heartbreak. THAT IT WAS ALL HEARTBREAK.#the guilt...the desperation & need to get through to ai di so he never makes him feel that way again. understanding that he loves ai di too #the way he gently touches ai di's hands and face here... he tied him up to keep him from running but hes being so earnest and SO careful #with ai di's pain & ai di's love. his expressions & the way he takes deep breaths before admitting things out loud like its clear #hes thinking hard abt what he wants to say and how he wants to say it. bc he has to make ai di understand how much he means this #how much he misses him. how much he wants to make this right. how he wants & needs to be by ai di's side forever bc he loves him!#he loves him!!!!!!!!! GOD. i love chen yi.

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sideblogdotjpeg · 4 months ago

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ive been thinking about the red string superstition recently and also sol bufo always and it makes me sick how uncannily caldwell tanner has made sol to perfectly target me personally

(+ cropped versions !)

#naddpod #ba2mia #ba2umia #solum bufo #swag daniels #calliope petrichor #calder kilde #alexandrite #posts by me dot com #okay..... SECRET TAGS RAMBLE!#so basically this superstition is like ... i think a chinese/buddhist/taoist superstition?#ive taken some creative liberties with it... but its mostly accurate to how its been told to me?#but of course theres lots of variations! some more abt bad luck; some say to tie it on the doorknob #etc etc ... lots a variations #i was also rlly interested in the .... weird illogic? of the thing?#like the red attracts and repels spirits at the same time #so thats something i was thinking about with too. red is assocuated with both swag and alexandrite. which to me was kinda reflecting like #i think what murph said . swags place in the wild is in a way. an extension of what he learned from the network #mothership s inextractivle from sol and swags lives. they will always be held doen by it. thats the spirit that will follow them forever #that they choose to hold on too! as much pain as it brought ... some of the experience was worth it #and anyway. theres somethingwrong w me that the minute someone brought up this superstition my brain went #'ohhh just like sol!' < needs to touch grass moment #but i CANT BELIEVE. CALDWELL DID THE RED STRING. AND ITS LITERALLY A MOURNING RITUAL #caldwell keeps accodentally makig that frog ASIAN. to MEEEE!!!!!!#but. anyway. idk. ive always hced sol kept the piece of yarn and it makes me kinda .... what if y let the malicious spirits follow you.#and haunt you. what if its the closest you can get to keeping the person still around #and sol and swag obviously have so much about homes .... so!#(ok. weve reached the pt where maybe nobodys reading? so confession is this is sort of a well. ive just been doodling this comic everyday #after a wake. and it was sort of inspired after realising i was even a bit sad about it maybe. so. idk its about sol but also?#i guess the projection doesnt end at him being asian. hehe. is what i mean. LOL. okay secret tags over . buried lore. dont look here folks)

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imaybe5tupid · 6 months ago

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Why bother? (Why bother?) It's gonna hurt me. (It's gonna hurt me.) It's gonna kill when- (Why bother!) -You desert me! (Gonna hurt me!)

Set after Nightmare. Laios is reminiscing and contemplating.

#laishuro #laios touden #i make a lot of jokes on here since part of the fun of this blog for me is limiting myself to only expressing ideas via drawings #as much as I can to try to see what I can try to convey in the limited time I have to draw each day which is sometimes like 15minutes #but laios idea of who shuro was to him and who he continues to be and how it ties into his own feelings of self worth and self hatred #not to mention being so thoroughly defined by having never been indulged before by the men in his life #are so compelling to me #and then of course you mix in toshiros own mind prisons #and their established dynamic of him begrudgingly putting up with him because he feels he has to and bc hes cursed with obedience #whilst laios genuinely thinks shuro does it because he likes it and likes laios because why else would anyone act like that #when everyone else in his life has not hesitated to Let Him Know #this is what is so fun about relationships like this…forever passing by each other’s true feelings like ships in the night #sometimes i get embarassed how deep i get for some of the characters in this series it really is that deep sometimes but not always #but WHATEVER #i never even engaged in or was interested in shipping the several years i read dunmeshi EXCEPT laishuro lol #which i sadistically wanted to stay one sided and miserable forever. I rarely get fed such genuinely fraught dynamics as their one in manga #so i became obsessed #and walked through the desert alone for 40 years and then checked in as anime started airing that other people ship this and gaf #and decided to unleash the jokes and ideas that my like 2 friend who like anime previously suffered alone as though they were jesus christ #now tho as much as I still enjoy tragedy and pain and emotional suffering I’ve let love and peace and requited fulfilled yaoi into my life #with laishuro. and its great!#my comics

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 7 months ago

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Assisting Acquaintance Acquired.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wen ning #wei wuxian #Ignore how Wen Ning's hair looks here because I messed it up. Let's pretend he just sported a different hair style for a brief moment.#I am not exactly great at consistency but I am trying very hard to work on that (immediately messes up again).#Absolutely *love* how Wen Ning clearly remembers and admires WWX...who does *not* recognize him.#This is the best day for Wen Ning and it means *nothing* to WWX. A painful one-sided crush made worse.#It is bittersweet to realize that we care about someone more than they care about us. Sometime we pour love into a relationship-#-with someone who just can't reciprocate. It isn't always a conscious things either. Some people just aren't aware we care.#And painfully - so painfully - You can't make them aware. No act of kindness or gift or self sacrifice will make someone care about you.#You can martyr yourself for someone and they will continue on unchanged.#I think a lot about the parallels between WN and LWJ. Not foils - just reflections. A theme repeated.#People who give so much of themselves to someone who doesn't have the capacity to give any part of themself away.#I will die on the hill of 'Wen Ning would be the love triangle romance if that trope wasn't being avoided'.#And to be honest - thank the stars above that is the case. I do not know any good love triangles in media.#We are skipping some of the sad Jiang Cheng content because I really want to finish season 2 before May.#Sorry JC emo moment lovers...I'll deliver another time.

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httpiastri · 2 months ago

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hands hands hands hands hands

#oh pepe how i love you #i love the hand gestures #also i always say that i find knuckle and finger cracking attractive but #ppl who crack fingers by bending them back? like he's doing here? wth?????#i have never done that #looks so painful #but wow. i feel so blessed today #the universe sure is strange at times #bcs my day was shitty just a little while ago #and now im so 🥺#will be up rewatching this all night #dont care abt my two exams tomorrow #f2 #pepe marti

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tekatonic · 5 months ago

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Doomed Prince

Sonic x Shadow Generations X Metaphor: ReFantazio

if you thought you were done with me shilling Metaphor boy were you wrong ! here comes a crossover !

so in the upcoming Atlus fantasy rpg Metaphor, the protagonist goes on a quest to save their childhood friend : the prince of Euchronia, from a deadly curse. with twists and turns along the way, starting with the assassination of the King !

this is a redraw of this visual !

do you see how beautiful this art is i mean DAMN

anyway i'm extremely excited for this to come out and if you're a fan of games like Persona, SMT, Fire Emblem, Xenoblade or FF, you might like it too !

#sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #sonic x shadow generations #shadow generations #metaphor refantazio #atlus games #teka art #shadow generations spoilers #kinda ?#sucks that we can't tag the prince because we don't know his name yet #ah well.#also remind me to NEVER draw those wings with that level of detail again #only the sketch is mirrored. everything beyond was drawn individually #it was pain but i think it was worth it #i want to do a companion piece of sonic as the metaphor protag to go with this but i am scared of having to match this level of detail...#man. what a hole i've dug myself into #BUT. ANYTHING FOR METAPHOR.#must... bring in... new fans...#i know this may seem weird but i really want this new ip to be a smash hit. show sega it's worth it y'know ?#so here i am shilling !#sorry about the long tags i always do this

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fatedroses · 3 months ago

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Reaper's Bounty.

#ffxiv #fan art #emet selch #zenos yae galvus #oc #atticus van simularus #tsukiko date #camilla lunae #I'm here to rattle my garlean reapers=vampires propaganda around because it lives rent free in my head #look two idiots willingly offering their aether to the people protecting them #one for their enshroud and the other for their primal transformation LOL #Atticus isnt always wholesome and with Regent's power he could appear at Solus' side whenever it was demanded of him #and because in universe regent is in control of the intake of aether emet doesnt have to worry about atticus taking too much -or-#discovering he was an ascian lmao #I also just felt like drawing crazy-eyed emet because its fun #also dont mind zenos plotting 100 ways to kill a man because hes in a situation where he has to transform #and therefore take his healer's own aether just to protect them #not that tsukiko minds- it means she gets to take a free nap #also the in universe pain that zenos has to feed either from her arm because he will not put his teeth anywhere near her neck (ironically)#(tsukiko heals through singing and its something he enjoys listening to in their off time)#mans stuck with literally the arm or the leg because Tsu is tiny next to him #adventurer zenos

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